I think this has got to be one of the biggest revelations I have received yet. I’m not who I think I am.
You know, in my first series of The Makings of The woman, you can read that here, I wrote that there’s nothing wrong with me being me; how I’m alright knowing I am loved and I can figure it out from there.
So I have taken my own advice since my last post and my first discovery is: I’m not who I think I am. No Sir. I’m more complex and beautiful than I ever imagined or envisioned. I’ll tell you all about it in a minute. Er…now, actually since you asked. This has got to be a short post- I promise!
In taking an exit (almost exit) from the hamster wheel of life and just taking one day at a time while allowing myself dream, I learned the following about me. Let’s start with the negatives first!
I’m not who I think I am- The Negatives
- I get really mad over the pettiest things!
Oh my Lord! You know, I really thought I was a really happy person and if I got angry, I would get angry over the most serious things- like world pollution and such. However, that turned out to be pretty different. I mean, someone sighs rather than answer a question (like subordinates who act like all the weight of the world is on their shoulders-Admit it! That can be annoying);or a conductor responding angrily when I greet him. I mean, it’s just a greeting; it’s not a threat.
Let’s stop there…
- Envy, Envy, Envy!!! Covetousness!
Now, that’s like the 10th Commandment. You see I thought I was a really good Christian and that I had crushed any evil lurking within me. We often think that stealing, fornication, adultery, bribery and robbery are sins. We forget petty things like malice, anger, jealousy and envy. And in denying what is within you, you lack the potential to change. Suddenly I saw it more clearly. It’s the reason I see a friend’s picture on say, bbm and she’s in some exotic location and instantly, I’m wishing I could be in that exotic location and thinking about it. And thinking about it some more. And thinking about it some more! That’s envy! Now there’s a difference of course between being envious and enviable. I’m talking about you wishing you had something a person had without wishing the person any ill will. God! I thought I had crushed it but it did lurk its head out when I saw the “luxuries” people enjoy and I want that. Let me not sugar coat it and say it’s my desire to have those things. It was envy- plain and simple.
I wasn’t so afraid before but ever since an incident with a thief near my house, (Of course, I fought him and he didn’t take anything) I have such a fear of taxis and night walks. In fact just yesterday, I was talking with Archie on the phone on my way back from work when someone startled me, if you see the Jackie Chan-Bruce lee-Jet li defense move I took eh, the adrenaline was just pumping! I didn’t know I had this much fear and it’s harder to crush than the envy and stuff but I’m working on it- I wasn’t born with it so it can stay in me.
I’m not who I think I am- Positives
- Now I like this one- I am resilient! I didn’t think so. I’m not as weak, sheltered and afraid as I thought. If you want to see resilience, come and live in Lagos and leave home by 6.00am, return by 8.30 or 9.00pm. And you are performing “wifely duties” (for lack of a better word- I don’t want to see it as a chore). So yes, I have resilience.
- I have the most creative mind I can think of. We can be in a place and my mind is no longer there; I’m thinking of some funny thing to do or imagining. Sometimes, I laugh out without thinking. It’s so refreshing that I can do that and also talk to myself like I used to. See, when you take out the junk, you see the child in you again.
- Taking one day at a time. I think the person who has noticed this most is Archie. Geez, I could worry for Africa! But now…I’m not bothered. I may not have all I want or need and from time to time I think about it but that’s where I leave it. I don’t start mapping out plans and strategies and having backup plans. That can give you an aneurysm. I’m so grateful for that.
- Reading again- I’m veraciously reading again. Whatever it is, bring it on. It waned at some point but now, guess who’s back?
- Mindset Shift- and this is what has helped with the envy and comparing myself with another etc. I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know the exact time it happened- I just know one day, I wasn’t thinking the way I used to think. In fact, when I have an evil thought about someone (you feel me, right? That over sabi female colleague or something- you’re not a saint, I know you-to some extent), I go out of my way to do something nice for the person or compliment that person and instantia! (Just came up with that word- don’t you just love it?), it just leaves me and I’m a better person!
So you see, I’m like an everlasting onion with different layers to me; I haven’t even gotten to the core yet. I’m still unfolding each layer, taking out the layers I don’t like and getting ready to spice up the world!
Ok, I promised this wouldn’t be a long post so I’ll stop here. If you would like me to drop a few positives and negatives about me being so much more that I thought I was, then by all means, say so.
One more thing you can do for me: you gotta drop a comment and tell me one negative and positive thing about yourself that you didn’t know was in you. I’m listening…reading.
Hasta La Vista!
Oh, and I’m in a pretty good mood today so two lucky persons are going to have recharge card voucher.
Ok, I’m done for this post!
Photo Credit: http://www.soullyinspired.com/